shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
