i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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