I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize