i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
