That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
