I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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