Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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