Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
