you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ladies don't puke and tell
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
