We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
