I think im going to throw up on grandma
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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