Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
