i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
