I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How does one acquire holy water?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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