I wish I could teleport
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
