im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
