mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
