She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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