my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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