I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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