i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
