true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
