like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
