I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
