Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
