We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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