Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
