Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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