when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
