Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
