I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
