I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
