i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
