remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
