dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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