Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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