Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
