alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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