I wish you could order shots online.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
