I faked an abortion last night.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
