There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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