who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My vagina is officially offended.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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