I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
