Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
