I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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