you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
