I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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