My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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