You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
