Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
