yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
