At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
