So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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