I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
