Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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