she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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